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Honesty accuracy is just popular opinion
Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.
[ << Previous 25 ]
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2007.07.19 14.42
so it has been over a year since i have been to live jounal. and i can expect that no one still reads these. haha. i'm sure no one gets on. it's just something to do when your bored.
but i can say that after ready all of my previous entries, damn.. do i sound depressing. well i can honestly say i'm not. haha i guess it was for attention.
i'm graduated
single
19 in 5 days
not living at home (long story//details later)
i have tattoos
and a sidekick3
everything seems fine as of now
just trying to figure out where i want to go to school. i don't want to leave anyone here.
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2006.10.10 20.15
it's deeply true
it hurts when someone you care about says they never want to talk to you again, it makes your world feel upside down. you think you're a nice person, and you would never ever think those words would come out of someone's mouth. but i guess when you do something stupid...you probably deserve it. but truthfully, it hurt's like hell.. it takes you breath away and you panic. it's not a fun feeling.
i do put all the blame on myselt, yeah, i screwed up and now i'm paying the hurtful price. it's like a slap in the face.. it all just happened so fast. i guess thing were to good to be true..way to good. it's great to have someone and have them make you feel like everything's alright, like nothing else seems to matter in the world. but one mistake can change all that and your world come crashing to a complete halt and you feel lost and alone..and hurt.
i wish it was me who was in the wreck, i wish all the bad things happened to me.. but they seem to happen to everyone around me. i wish the worst for me sometimes, not death by any means, but i just feel like i need something to make things ok, to make certain things go away so i can focus on a different pain. i've never felt like this before.. i've never had this pain inside. it makes me sick, and it seems like it's all i think about. i would do anything to make things different, to take back what i did wrong..words can't even describe.. it makes me sick to know whats done is done and i'll never be able to change it, or how people feel about me. it's a horrifing thought to know you did something bad and now once you lost what you used to have, something that made you feel so complete, is totally shattered.. all in one mistake that happened. can i say i was in love? i don't know.. i don't know anything right now.. i don't even know if i want to be here right now... it's not for attention, it's a feeling you get, when you experience some tragic.
i want to drive, drive for how ever long it takes me to get hit, or put myself in certain situations that aren't good.
i hope for the worse
Mood: depressed
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2006.09.02 22.03
so today, ever since i got home from taking people home, i've felt depressed today.
when i came home, i went to sleep, then my mom kept bugging me about what is wrong (like she has been all night) and nothing is wrong, i just feel tired, sad, and i don'tknow what it..
driving around tonight, i've been wishing i'd get into a car wreck.. just wanted someone to hit me, and be ok.. just something to liven up my night..it seem harsh, but hey.. i'm desperate.
i'm really happy when it comes to art though.. i've found something else i'm good at..graphic design. thanks to eric cuffe, and matthew hasting.. both have been helping me at school with the whole photoshop thing, they're two great guys. my teacher likes my stuff and so do i, so maybe my expectitations in art wern't what i expected them to be.. i'm finding something new aabout myself everyday, with the help of mrs. hughey, i don't know how she does it, but she can get inside your head, and tell you things you didn't know about yourself and when she says it it's just like wow... how'd she know that.. i didn't even know that.
she is an amazing lady. she really pushes you to new heights.."nothing is impossible" is her saying..it doesn't sound like much, but honestly.. it really is possible to do ANYTHING you want. thanks technology.
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2006.09.01 17.13
oh oh oh...i think he's coming :]
and for real this time...
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2006.08.27 14.58
dream of all dreams
i've seen this movie...and i've done some thinking..
ok..see if you can follow along:
say your a baby right now, and your whole life is a dream...ever since a baby can have dreams, it dreams its life out. the life you're in now. and when it is time for you to die, the dream is over. and now as a baby, you realize it's a dream, but you don't know it. but it's like you know these people but you don't how...and you can still have dreams..but not like this one.. this is the dream of all dreams..the dream of your life
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2006.08.25 22.09
so i was at open house tonight with my mom, and we were talking about colleges with my teacher. my mom said i could go anywhere i wanted. so i think we are looking toward new york or somewhere.. california maybe, somewhere were they will give away A BUNCH OF SCHOLARSHIP money. my teacher was talking about this one girl who got 80,000 dollars for scholarships. so we were talking about me going somewhere. mrs. hughey asked, "can she go anywhere or somewhere close." and i was suprised to hear my mom say anywhere where we could get big money. she mentioned this one school in new york and i mentioned something about califronia, and my mom said i'd rather you go to new york.. it's closer.
and as the night went on, we were watching a show and mom said.
one reason i don't want you going if is because you don't know what kind of people are out there. you trust everyone and that's not always a good thing. i told her i know.. i know when i think someone is sketchy. she said i'm sure you do, but can i get out of a situation...
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2006.08.21 20.04
going to go where no one knows my name
so i've decided for myself.
next summer i'm going on a road trip to find myself. i want to bring one person. i don't know where i'm going to go, or for how long. i'm just going to drive, and come back when i feel ready.
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2006.08.16 23.00
i want to lay on my back and watch the cloud shapes go by, make a snow angel, and jump into a pile of leaves, and gone sledding, watch the sun set, dance in the moonlight, and squish barefoot through the mud, and be kissed under a mistletoe. i want to do all these things with someone.. why can't i?
where is my prince?
Mood: sad
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2006.08.16 22.40
so it turns out that my mom was just upset about my art. i told a friend that i'd do three pictures for her for her dad, so i said yes, and my mom wants me to do these three pieces for our living room.. i can do them all..just some little time.. but i'll do it.. it's a lot of fun. plus i have my three + to do at school.. so i'm loaded for art :]
Mood: confused
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2006.08.15 16.47
so i pretty much had a bad day today.. because of the woman i just so happen to live with. i wake up later than what i usually do, so my mom storms in and wakes me up with a not so good morining-ish type voice. so i jump up, collect myself then hop in the shower.
so i was getting ready, and my mother askes me if i work tonight, and i answer no, and she said.. ok.. well i want to talk to you when i get home.
so i'm thinking..oh hell. what could it be? totally freaked out all day. my teachers even noticed something wasn't right with me today. so all day long i've been all nervous and not wanting to come home..
so fourth block rolled around.. and boy my stomache started aching then.. then getting in the car.. man..
maybe i'm making something out of nothing..
i sure hope sooo
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2006.08.09 23.48
why do i sometimes feel like i want to be that person in movies who is addicted to drugs, and falls down the drain. has to get their arm cut off. has to take diet pills so she can fit into her red dress that she is going to wear on t.v. why do i sometimes wish that were me? how come i can't inflict pain on my body. can't talk to certain peolple like they do.. i tell myself it is just a movie, but i want it. i want the pain of payment. some say it is for attention. it's either much more than that, or not it at all. i want a poor life. i want to live in a crap shute apt. in new york. i want someone to be there with me all the time. what is it that i want?
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2006.08.08 23.26
everything is going soo good right now. i feel wonderful, and i'm really happy.
this summer i was really starting to question if i still wanted to do art, if it really was my passion in life. and these past two days of school really got my spirits back up. i'm ready to take on the world. i really do think art will get me somewhere in life. it is something i love, and i'm good at. this year for school i'm taking 4 advanced art classes. it's amazing. i love my teacher, i love her work ethics. everytime i walk into an art room, smell that certain smell, see unfinished pieces i really enjoy myself.
and to top it all off, (i'm not saying any names yet) but i think i may have found my prince. :]
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2006.07.23 18.43
oh yeah, and my birthday is tuesday :]
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2006.07.23 18.36
one day my price will coome....
sometimes i feel sad and confused. my feelings get to me in a rude fashion. the question, do i speak my feelings, or keep them balled up inside me as usual. it's not anything bad it's just thoughts i want to express but can't.
is it the thought of wanting to feel wanted? or wanting someone you can't have?
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2006.06.24 17.02
it's almost as if we're walking down a long staircase into an ocean, with people telling us to stop, being denied by our blank stares. thoughts running through us and there's no way to express them. half way into the ocean, slowly being submerged into the cool sea, nothing can stop us. we are free to do what we want, go where we want to go, and no one can tell us different. past the ocean, a black abyss appears with other dreamers standing and waiting. why are we here? is it for the same reason?
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2006.05.16 11.05
i made it to google images.
check it out if you want to see some bad pictures of me my freshman year.
just type in my name in the images search engine. haha
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2006.05.16 10.10
so last night, i was at my aunts house typing a paper and all the sudden, jerica called. i was excited. so we decided we'd hang out. so after i got done, i headed out to where they live. she was at michaels (i love him) so i was going to go over there, so she said to just meet at weston's. so i did. then she callled and said they couldn't come and wanted me to come over. i planned on it. then weston and i went outside to play soccer, and i think i broke his big toe. so then we went inside, and i helped him make his spanish book. i accomplished making a flower and some apples on his tree. it was about 9, so i went home.
then i felt horrible for not going over to michaels. i called jerica and it sounded like they were having a lot of fun... but weston and i had fun too. yeah..
so friday.. i think we are all planning on hanging out. fun and exciting.
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2006.05.12 09.50
i am very excited. my mom said that if i really wanted to stick with art (which i do) then she would buy me a photography camera. she has a friend who teaches photography and owns his own dark room, so maybe one day i can learn how to do it myself.
i think i have a very good friend who will be happy, because then we can go and take pictures together.
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2006.04.27 08.53
so there is a holocaust going on in africa RIGHT NOW! and something needs to be done. there is so much i want to do but can't. children are being slaughtered, gang raped, and being sold as sex slaves. the people we need to stop are called the L.R.A. they need to be beat down. millions of people in the u.s. don't even know about this. and when i found out i wanted to learn more. and stop it. but i know there is not a whole lot for me to do.
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2006.04.23 18.45
what a great day
so day.. brandi and i went to sonic for some smoothie goodness. well we stayed for like an hour and a half, not knowing my car wouldn't start. so when we wanted to leave, we couldn't. it sucked.. bad. so everyone was laughing at us cause we were scream and brandi got out and was kicking the car furiously. i have to say it was very amusing. so some of the very nice sonic people tried to help and jump my car off. it didn't work so this one guy called his dad and he got it to start and my mom came. and we ended up having to buy a new battery. haha.. gay suck totally. (soulfly)
yeah prom was fun. not what i expected it to be but it was nice..
Mood: tired
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2006.04.20 09.28
uh oh.... piss me off i'll burn you in your sleep..
uh oh.... i'm worried again.. really worried..
i can't wait for prom to be over.. and it hasn't even started...
and to top it off.. i have detition today for going to the restroom. GAY!!!
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2006.04.19 09.09
today nick clayton and i traded shirts. and today is also my last day of work till after the weekend.
oh mark finally got his tux. i was so worried about him not getting one in time.
ashley and i had this "pre-prom date" thing in the making for friday, and it was kind of shot down yesterday when mark told me that he was leaving for tennesse friday evening, so i don't think friday is going to work.
why do i stress so much...i guess i just don't want thigs to be weird..
my mom wants me to have mark over for dinner so she can meet him.. weird? uh yeah. very much so. how do i not make it?
maybe i'm just thinking about it too much. just breath... i'll see if brandi would like to join. :)
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